The Misadventures of Mama Itachi
by Techno.Sonata
Summary: Itachi didn't think keeping baby-chan around would change his life. Kisame hadn't wanted any part of it and didn't think keeping baby-chan would be worth. But in the end, there they were, a new unit: Itachi of the Leaf, Kisame of the Mist, and baby-chan found abandoned in the woods. In a moment, life can change and oh man... had their lives changed. Rated T to be safe. AU
1. Chapter 1

**This was a crazy AU idea that I came up with, and my friend Sydney helped to plot out! Enjoy!**

"You need any help... Mama Itachi-san?" Kisame Hoshigaki, teased before breaking out in a deep guffaw.

Itachi Uchiha, age 21, turned slowly over his left shoulder and glared deeply at his teammate. The shark asked in a manner of messing with him; the Uchiha knew he had no intention of helping. He, however, was at his limits. "If you're going to call me that, then drop the honorific you scumbag," The proclaimed 'mama' hissed before turning back to the small infant that was laying in front of him, wriggling around and screaming uncontrollably.

Kisame laughed in spite of the uncharacteristic response from the usually stoic young man. It hadn't been long since 'baby-chan', as they so called the young infant, was thrust onto their team. The ex water ninja still had no idea why Itachi insisted taking the baby with them.

Two weeks ago, the Akatsuki had a rare in-person meeting. All 8 of them had been stuck in a dark cave to talk about the organizations agenda. It had been raining very hard, and after the meeting ended everyone stayed there to avoid having to travel in a horrible thunderstorm. The silence was deafening. Lead an Akatsuki member to battle and he might talk smack for a year, but put them all together and it's one big social disaster. Hidan, the renowned Jashin worshiper, took it upon himself to cause a scene.

"Jashin save me from this fucking cave! Damn!" He whined, earning a glare from his partner.

"Hidan, be quiet," Kakuzu warned, barely sparing a glance to his boisterous partner.

Hidan turned to face the 5-hearted man, obviously fuming. "I'll be quiet if I fucking want to! Jashin spare me from these people!" He whined again.

"Hidan..." Pain spoke up, his eyes piercing straight into those of the Jashin-worshiper. His voice was sharp but calm.

The white haired man flinched and backed farther away from their leader than he already was. However, immediately after reacting as such he made a 'tch' and shook his head. "Whatever. I'm going out for a walk. I can't handle you fuckers anymore. Maybe I can find a sacrifice for Jashin..." He mused, grinning wildly.

Kisame shook his head. "I'd love to see how Leader-sama would punish him," He whispered to his partner, who had his eyes closed.

"Hn," was Itachi's response.

The next hour passed by painfully slow, and the storm had not let up. At this point, everybody had their eyes closed and were in rest positions. Even the most careful of members, Itachi, had let his guard down enough to fully allow his body to rest; something his body seldom received now-a-days. However, the slowly growing sound of piercing cry getting closer to the cave caused him to go back into alert mode. Several other members did so as well. The scream drew nearer and everyone stared at the entrance.

Hidan strode in with a disgusted face. In his arms was a bundle. The sad shriek was coming from the little bundle. "What the fuck do I do with this?!" He yelled, trying to get his voice above the bundle's squalling. "What the fuck is this thing!?"

Deidara grinned at the obviously distressed white haired man. "Hey pass it over here! I think it's one of those sports balls kids play with, un!" He suggested, holding his arms open for a pass.

Jashin's disciple looked the bundle over and made a small noise of approval, satisfied with this answer. "Go long Deidara!" He held it in his arms and tossed the bundle over. Blankets fell everywhere to reveal that the small object was not a sports ball, but it was in fact a baby.

Itachi's eyes shot open in shock. The crying should have been a dead giveaway, even to someone as hard-headed as Hidan. He didn't think he would be stupid enough to throw something that was wailing! In one quick motion, the Uchiha jumped from his seat and intercepted the airborne infant. The baby was now squirming and screaming in his arms. Safe, at least, for now.

Deidara looked irritated. "Hey, Uchiha! What are you doing? I coulda caught that, un."

Itachi didn't say anything and instead cradled the baby gently against him in an attempt to get the red-faced child to calm down. Pain was the first to speak on the situation. "Hidan that is a human baby, not a sports ball."

Hidan shrugged and chuckled. "Well you could use a dead baby as a sports ball."

Konan shook her head in defiance. "We are not killing an innocent baby."

"What do you suggest we do with it then?" Pain inquired, turning to face his partner.

Hidan tore the baby straight from Itachi's cradling arms and held it up under its armpits. The baby, who had a small moment of soft whimpers after being comforted by the Uchiha, broke out into ear-piercing screams. It began to wriggle violently in the white haired man's arms. "You dumb fucking baby," he spat angrily. "Do you think Jashin will take such a sacrifice?"

Kakuzu shook his head. "Hidan you don't have to turn everything you kill into a sacrifice."

"Hey shut up! You're all atheist pigs who don't understand! Jashin will fucking kill all of you!" Hidan screeched, his volume matching that of the crying baby's.

Pain made a low growl. "Everyone shut up," He commanded, earning silence all across the board, with the exception of the howling infant. "We obviously have a slight predicament in our hands. We will take a vote on what to do with the baby."

"I say we should put it back where it came from," Konan said, her tone even and her gaze focused on Hidan and the child.

"And I say we kill the little fucker!" Hidan grinned evilly and tilted his head. "I'm sure Jashin would even accept a sacrifice this tiny."

Sasori let out a small sigh and combed his fingers through his hair. "Hidan where did you even manage to find such a filthy thing?" He inquired, his tone the same as it always was; even with an edge of finality, but also something that made it sound hollow and haunted. "Are we sure it doesn't have a home?"

"It was just layin' in a basket in the rain," Hidan responded, shaking the baby around a little, earning an even louder howl.

"So it's probably an orphan then," Kisame concluded, crossing his arms over his chest.

"In that case we should kill it," Kakuzu interrupted. "If it doesn't have a home, nobody will miss it. It would just die anyway."

Deidara shifted slightly and though he wouldn't admit it, he was uncomfortable at the way the situation took a turn. "Well we shouldn't kill the thing, ya know? Just because it's an orphan doesn't mean it deserves to die, un," He explained. "Let's put it back where it came from, un"

Pain shook his head. "I don't agree with that. It will live a life of hardship and identity crisis. That is a destiny all orphans know and must live with. It would be better to end the child's life before it can has the ability to remember such pain."

"Ain't you all about knowin' Pain?" Hidan questioned, glaring directly at the Akatsuki leader. He earned a soulless glare in response.

"No, no I agree with Pain-sama," Sasori interjected smoothly. "Not necessarily for the same reasons, but that child's life is without value. Let's put that creature out of it's misery."

Kisame raised an eyebrow. "I think that all of you are being a little harsh. The child hasn't lived long, but what if this child is important? Perhaps it wasn't orphaned. We should see if there's a reward. Besides, just because it's howling in Hidan's face," Jashin's disciple glared straight into Kisame's shark-like eyes. "Doesn't mean it deserves to die. Wouldn't you agree Itachi?"

"I don't see why you're putting this on my shoulders," Itachi said quietly in response.

"If there is a chance of reward we should take it," Kakuzu announced, his attitude changing considerably.

Pain's eyes closed for a long moment before opening again to face Itachi. "It seems we can't come to a general consensus on what exactly we should do with the infant. Itachi, why don't you decide so we can get this over with. It seems the storm is clearing up."

All eyes focused directly on the Uchiha's, causing him to furrow his brow. He knew what he was going to do of course, but there was a certain anxiety that even _he_ felt when each and every set of eyes of the members of a dangerous criminal organization were on him. He walked over to Hidan and took the baby. His red eyes stared at the baby's squinched up, flushed face and felt sorry for it. It hadn't asked to be abandoned, it hadn't asked to be picked up my a murderous psychopath and it certainly didn't ask to be stared at by 8 of the world's most dangerous missing-nin.

Itachi put the baby into a cradle position and gently rocked it. The baby's eyes opened and although it was still sobbing, it calmed down considerably at his touch. He felt an odd sense of pride and warmth develop in his chest. He turned around to face all of the members excluding Hidan who was now behind him. "I'll keep it," He spoke casually as if keeping abandoned children was an everyday activity for him.

"What?" Sasori called out, expressing every single members feelings with a simple word.

Kakuzu crossed his arms over his chest. "That child might have a reward," He warned, staring intensely at Itachi.

"I understand that," The Uchiha recognized. "And I will see if it does. However if it does not, I will keep it."

Pain's rinnegan met Itachi's sharingan with intensity. "I'm not sure what you're doing," He began. "But you've always been a smart young man. I will let you keep the infant if and only if this child does not hinder your ability. First and foremost you are an Akatsuki member searching for the Jinchuriki. Anything extra comes second. Is that understood?"

Itachi nodded, expertly hiding the feeling of surprise he had. No way had he imagined that Pain-sama would be so benevolent. Perhaps what they said about the Gods were true; be a loyal disciple, and ye shall be rewarded.

Kisame made a grimace and jumped down to greet his partner and well... new partner. "Are you serious? Now we have a bratty kid to look after?" he interrogated, poking the small child in the face, earning a small and heartbreaking cry.

"Yes," Was Itachi's reply.

The Shark shook his head. "Don't expect me to watch after it. I'm just gonna pretend it's not there for the most part. I want no part in whatever's going through your head."

Itachi ignored his comrade and gently bounced the now sleeping baby in his arms. His face was bent downwards, making it hard for his partner to see, but Kisame could have sworn he saw the beginning

of what looked to be a smile. "You shall be called baby-chan."

And that was the end of it. Two weeks later and Itachi was ridiculously attached to the small child. He carried it around in a sling that he had somehow made out of an extra cloak. Everywhere Itachi went, so went the baby. Every single need was taken care of my Itachi. Kisame still couldn't believe they had an infant with them. An _infant_.They were _criminals_, taking care of a _small child._

They had spent the first week with baby-chan searching for a reward. They had even disguised themselves (read; Itachi had to do it. It was hard disguising a super tall shark dude) to walk straight into towns and ask. After that week, it was obvious that there was no reward or search going on for the baby. Baby-chan had come out of nowhere like a blessing from the god's above. Kisame had suggested dropping it off at an orphanage, but by the end of the first week it was apparent that Itachi had grown too attached to the little one to even dream of giving it away.

Of course at times like this, even Itachi was beginning to question himself. Baby-chan had been crying all day and he had done _everything _to calm the little one down. And of course Kisame just stood there and laughed and made snide comments on motherhood.

"Give me a bottle," The Uchiha commanded, not turning away from the infant.

Kisame didn't move. "Why should I? Aren't you the Mama here?"

Itachi turned around and closed his eyes. When he opened them, his sharingan was staring directly into Kisame's eyes. This was no joke and even Kisame knew his limits. Itachi had gotten to the point of trust with Kisame in which he didn't keep his sharingan, for lack of a better term, on all the time, so when he did have them activated in his presence it was a serious matter. 

The Swordsman reached into the pouch (read; baby bag) that Itachi had began to lug around and handed his partner a full battle. The Uchiha grabbed it with greedy hands and picked up the screaming child. Every time he attempted to feed the infant the bottle, the small child would flick it's head away. "Oh my god Baby-chan please just take the bottle," Itachi whispered desperately. He attempted again but to no avail.

"I don't think baby-chan is hungry," Kisame observed earning another glare. He shrugged it off and sat down to look at the tiny human child.

Itachi closed his eyes and tried to focus on his memory. His mother and father had both been Jonin level ninjas and even though his mother was usually off duty to raise her kids, there were times where she still had to do things around town. Sometimes, even though Itachi was 5 when Sasuke was a baby, he had to find a way to take care of his little brother. He was always with family, but he and his mother both knew that Itachi wanted to keep a close eye on the little brother. He attempted to recall advice from his mother.

"_Momma, why won't Sasuke stop crying?" A little Itachi asked sadly looking sadly at his screaming baby brother. Itachi gently began patting his little brother's head in an attempt to soothe the small child. _

_Mikoto Uchiha sighed slightly and put the infant over her shoulder. She made several soft shushes and began bouncing the little one slightly. "Baby's cry when they want or need something," She explained, earning a nod from her oldest. He knew this already. He knew more about baby's than normal 5 year olds probably did. "Baby's cry the most between six to eight weeks old, then they start calming down. Sasuke's going through his 6 week crying spurt. He might also be growing too," Mikoto smiled down at her oldest. "You were a quiet baby but even you had a crying spurt." _

Itachi's eyes flew opened and he looked down at the small infant. Baby-chan was much younger than he had originally accounted for. "oh god," He mumbled inaudibly. He searched his brain for answers. What did he need to do? What _hadn't _he tried yet?

He recalled a memory of his brother being an absolute screaming terror. It got to the point where even his father was just about ready to start screaming. His mother, as he remembered, had also tried everything. And then she whipped out a blanket. Itachi, at his young age, didn't think it could do anything but his mother had worked magic. Almost as soon as he was wrapped up and being cradled in his mother's arms, he began to calm down.

_Blanket._ Itachi mentally cursed himself. He didn't have a blanket. He had his cloak and the extra cloak he used as a baby sling, but no blanket. He hadn't thought of that. He hadn't thought he'd need much though and boy was he wrong. Parenthood was becoming more of challenge than being in the Akatsuki and that was certainly saying something. He turned around to face his partner. "Blanket," he said simply.

"'What?" Kisame questioned. When he didn't receive a response he elaborate. "Blanket? 'Fraid I don't know what you're talking about."

"We need a blanket," Itachi added on, searching around for a hint of something he could turn into a blanket. His face remained calm and Kisame noted that, other than his little outbursts, his outward demeanor hadn't really changed. He was a good actor.

"I don't have anything," The swordsman said bluntly. Kisame and Itachi traveled especially light. The only thing they really ever carried were there ninja supplies. If they needed anything, they found a way to get it. Things like food were only retrieved on a need basis. Kisame carried his sword and Itachi carried his burdens.

"I didn't think you did," Itachi replied, thinking desperately. An idea came to his head. He might regret it later but for now he needed _something_. He reached under his cloak and almost within the same second pulled his shirt over his head. Kisame held back a laugh. The Uchiha however, with a strong determination, picked up baby-chan and laid it gently on his shirt. He then wrapped it around the small child like a blanket. The baby was successfully swaddled. Itachi cradled the infant and made shushing noises, just like his mother had all those years ago. With each passing minute, the baby calmed down and was soon asleep.

Kisame watched curiously and raised his eyebrow at the strange sight that now caught his eye. For the first time in their partnership, Itachi was smiling. A genuine, proud, parental kind of smile. The Swordsman himself felt a smirk creep onto his lips. Parenting certainly could change a man.

It was a crazy life the two Akatsuki members were beginning to lead; but it would certainly be an interesting one.

**Mama Itachi's WOW (words of wisdom): Don't murder your clan it's a bad idea for your future and for your siblings future.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I feel like I should kind of explain this situation a little better. These chapters will be individual short stories (think one-shots) not a linear story line. Anyway, enjoy the chapter!**

"Baby-chan, baby-chan, cute and cuddly as can be. Baby-chan, baby-chan, together we will catch a Jinchuriki," Itachi Uchiha sang quietly while playing with the tiny infants legs. The baby's face beamed with an innocent smile, and soft giggles filled the air around them. Seeing baby-chan so happy filled Itachi with a joy that only a momma could feel for her child. A gentle smile graced his lips as he gently tickled the small child's stomach, earning another sweet giggle.

A couple of feet away stood Kisame Hoshigaki who wore the same look of impatience he'd had since the day they took in baby-chan. "Itachi," he spoke up after watching for a minute. The Uchiha turned around, his face going from the soft one of maternal love to the hard and stoic expression he usually wore. Changes in Itachi's mood didn't surprise Kisame anymore. He, however, wasn't used to seeing him so happy. It was... a little weird.

"What is it?" Itachi inquired while picking baby-chan up and holding the giggling infant against his chest.

"Don't you think we should get going?" The swordsman asked, raising an eyebrow.

Itachi nodded slightly and adjusted his cloak to better situate baby-chan in the make-shift sling. "Perhaps," He responded respectfully.

The three of them were given a mission to stake out a location for a hideout in the Land of Earth. They had been taking a short break because baby-chan started to get fussy, and it was very hard to be sneak into a country unnoticed with a fussy child. Kisame had insisted that they leave baby-chan at the border but Itachi wasn't having any of that negativity.

The team of three began heading in towards Iwagakure, knowing this was the direct route into the Land of Earth. As soon as they were in the country they branched off to not draw attention to Stone Ninjas. So far the Akatsuki had several hide-outs in many different countries. Their next step in the plan to capture the bijuu was to create these hide-outs and tunnels for ease of access. Most of the members had already established at least one, and they were far from being done. Pain had sent Itachi and Kisame out towards the Land of Earth because the two had the tendency to stay close to the countries to the south, and although they hadn't been caught, it was beginning to look suspicious.

About half-way to the estimated location of the new-hideout location, baby-chan began to get fussy again. Itachi stopped in his path and looked at the child he was carrying in his sling. "Baby-chan, not now..." He muttered quietly to the red-faced infant. He began attempting to rock the child back to sleep but it wasn't working.

Kisame turned around and glared mildly at his partner. "Come on Mama, lets go. We can't stick around here forever. We have a job to do."

"I can't held a fussy child," Itachi said bluntly whilst taking baby-chan out of the sling. He held the infant up and sniffed the diaper the small child was wearing. He made a face. "I have to change baby-chan," He explained simply, pushing off to the side of the road. Kisame sighed but gave up. There was no point in trying to argue; the Uchiha was going to do as he pleased and he knew it.

After changing baby-chan's diaper was changed, the infant calmed down considerably. Itachi smiled slightly and the three were off soon after. Baby-chan was being held in Itachi's arms so he could give the child affection while staying on the move. Kisame wondered vaguely why he had just thought to do that.

The team entered a clearing type area in the mountains and began passing through. A barely audible noise hit their ears. Kisame swiftly pulled out Samehada and Itachi put baby-chan in the sling to keep the child safe.

Three Stone ninjas jumped out from behind a rock formation and confronted the Akatsuki members. "This is where we stop you!" One of them shouted pulling out a kunai. The other two were in a formation behind him. One of them was ready to make hand signs, and the other had a kunai out as well.

Kisame let out an evil cackle. "Well, well, well I was beginning to think we weren't going to have any resistance. Hm. Why don't we end this quickly Itachi?" The Uchiha nodded in response.

Itachi activated his Mangekyou Sharingan and adjusted the baby sling to make it tighter. It wasn't the first time he'd fought with baby-chan in the sling. It wasn't particularly difficult if it was tight. His torso however was more limited in movement, and he wasn't comfortable with using Fireball Jutsu with a baby so close to wear it usually fired out. His taijutsu with baby-chan was surprisingly dangerous to the opposition and of course, he still had his genjutsu.

However, the Stone ninjas were doing a good job holding their own. Itachi's eyes stared them down intensely, coming up with a plan. The two ninja had a slight advantage, but the Stone ninja weren't giving up. They needed to end this quickly.

Itachi looked at Kisame, who looked back at him. In a quick motion, Itachi took baby-chan out of the sling and held him to his partner. Kisame stared at the infant who stared back at him. "You're kidding me."

The Uchiha just stared at his partner. "I'll end this," He said quietly, dumping the baby quickly in the arms of the other.

While his partner fought, Kisame held baby-chan at eye level and stared. "What are you looking at?" He questioned the tiny infant who responded with a baby gurgle. The Swordsman shook his head a tiny bit. "You think you're cute don't you? And you have Itachi wrapped around your pudgy little fingers. How does a simple-minded child do that?" Baby-chan giggled and wriggled around in his hands. In response, Kisame made a face and continued to stare down the baby.

Kisame wasn't sure how to feel about baby-chan. Perhaps it was because he had never really been around children. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to feel while looking at the infant. In a way, he wished that he could see baby-chan in the same light that Itachi could, but he just couldn't. Sure, the kid was cute but he just couldn't form a bond with a random baby that was found in the middle of the woods.

Baby-chan made a gurgling noise and began bouncing in the Swordsman's strong hands. A loud giggle escaped the child's lips.

"What're you laughing at, heh?" Kisame inquired, tilting his head to the side a bit. He chuckled slightly when the infant made an almost defiant nose and put it's little hands to the Shark's face.

"I see you're having fun," Itachi commented, walking over to his partner and the baby. Kisame sneered and peeked behind the shorter man to see the three Stone ninjas laying on the ground. "They're still alive. We should leave before back-up arrives or before they are conscious again." The swordsman nodded in agreement.

Itachi smiled lightly at baby-chan and Kisame. "Alright Papa Kisame let's head out."

Kisame's eyes went uncharacteristically wide. "What?!" He nearly shouted, taken aback by the Uchiha's comment. He shoved baby-chan back at his partner, who in turn began to softly cradle the small child. "Absolutely not," He deadpanned, glaring daggers into the red eyes of his partner.

Itachi shrugged it off and soon again the three were back on the road. In spite of his protests, Itachi knew that Kisame actually enjoyed the presence of baby-chan. If only he could get him to admit it.

About two miles from the approximate location of the new hide-out, baby-chan began to get fussy. Kisame groaned out loud and stared at the infant. "This again?"

"A Baby's needs don't wait."

Kisame rolled his eyes and sat on a nearby rock. "Yeah, yeah. And you think I do?" He grumbled but stayed put in spite of his comment.

Itachi smirked. Despite what Kisame acted like and what he said, he really was a good guy. And he certainly was shaping up to be a good papa for baby-chan. The Uchiha was training him well.

**Mama Itachi's WOW (Words of Wisdom): If your best friend claims committing suicide will be the best thing for the state of the clan, don't listen to him.**


End file.
